DFL and Crimson Ape Redux
I've received some questions regarding The Dumb Fucking Lesbian Trilogy so I thought I'd do a little post just to clear them up.
Some of you are under the impression that the woman sitting with the Crimson Ape at the restaurant was another agent and that some sort of conspiracy was afoot. The woman was actually a development executive for a production company. It's rare you see two agents lunching together because anyone who saw the two of them together would assume they had no one better to have lunch with. And then their careers would be over. Agents only get within five feet of other agents if they're a) plotting a way to steal a client or b) using the car pool lane to steal a client.
Furthermore, I'm absolutely certain that neither the Crimson Ape nor the Development Woman knew what I looked like. In fact, I've been working in Hollywood for over ten years and I'm still absolutely certain nobody knows what I look like. And if they did, they would most likely confuse me for one of the other out of shape ill-shaven writers that we in the business call "Jews."
The Crimson Ape is not my agent. He has occasionally threatened to invite me out to smoke cigars or stalk deer in paintball wars. (The Crimson Ape is in tremendous physical shape and never ignores an opportunity to squeeze your hand and make it hurt.)
I have never stalked deer in a paintball war with the Crimson Ape. I have asthma and do not smoke cigars.
Someone asked me whether the people I've been writing about know that they're subjects on my blog and how do they feel if they do know. Until very recently the Dump Fucking Lesbian was unaware that I was writing about her. In fact, once notified (by me), she required my wife's help with this crazy new thing called "the internet." Upon reading the trilogy the DFL became "choked up" because a) it reminded her of our good times together and b) random people on the internet were interested in her life.
On a side note: she has agreed to be interviewed for the blog at a later date.
I have had no contact with anyone else who's on the blog but I look forward to the time RSVP WOMAN and I can get together and laugh about the crazy fun we had trying to fuck me out of going to my own premiere.
As a bonus: anyone who wishes to know more about the Crimson Ape should rent Charlie Kaufman's "Adaptation." Charlie's agent in the film is also the Crimson Ape. Not actually the Crimson Ape. But a representation of him...well, you get the picture.
As both a side note and a bonus because at least five of you are probably thinking it: yes, I'm also considering a round table with the DFL, the Crimson Ape and myself. Perhaps we will smoke cigars and play paintball.
Some of you are under the impression that the woman sitting with the Crimson Ape at the restaurant was another agent and that some sort of conspiracy was afoot. The woman was actually a development executive for a production company. It's rare you see two agents lunching together because anyone who saw the two of them together would assume they had no one better to have lunch with. And then their careers would be over. Agents only get within five feet of other agents if they're a) plotting a way to steal a client or b) using the car pool lane to steal a client.
Furthermore, I'm absolutely certain that neither the Crimson Ape nor the Development Woman knew what I looked like. In fact, I've been working in Hollywood for over ten years and I'm still absolutely certain nobody knows what I look like. And if they did, they would most likely confuse me for one of the other out of shape ill-shaven writers that we in the business call "Jews."
The Crimson Ape is not my agent. He has occasionally threatened to invite me out to smoke cigars or stalk deer in paintball wars. (The Crimson Ape is in tremendous physical shape and never ignores an opportunity to squeeze your hand and make it hurt.)
I have never stalked deer in a paintball war with the Crimson Ape. I have asthma and do not smoke cigars.
Someone asked me whether the people I've been writing about know that they're subjects on my blog and how do they feel if they do know. Until very recently the Dump Fucking Lesbian was unaware that I was writing about her. In fact, once notified (by me), she required my wife's help with this crazy new thing called "the internet." Upon reading the trilogy the DFL became "choked up" because a) it reminded her of our good times together and b) random people on the internet were interested in her life.
On a side note: she has agreed to be interviewed for the blog at a later date.
I have had no contact with anyone else who's on the blog but I look forward to the time RSVP WOMAN and I can get together and laugh about the crazy fun we had trying to fuck me out of going to my own premiere.
As a bonus: anyone who wishes to know more about the Crimson Ape should rent Charlie Kaufman's "Adaptation." Charlie's agent in the film is also the Crimson Ape. Not actually the Crimson Ape. But a representation of him...well, you get the picture.
As both a side note and a bonus because at least five of you are probably thinking it: yes, I'm also considering a round table with the DFL, the Crimson Ape and myself. Perhaps we will smoke cigars and play paintball.
posted by josh at 11:54 AM
30 Comments:
First post! Yay! Keep em coming Josh. You're hilarious. This is now my favorite blog!
Oh, and if you need another for even paintball teams, just let me know.
And I thought that the Crimson Ape would get the guys together for football.
So the DFL just discovered this Internet-thingy? Thank goodness she can at least read.
"DFL and The Crimson Ape" is now the name of my band.
Not really. I lack musical talent. BUT if I did have any, it would be.
Once again, great Blog
Can't wait to read the DFL interview. Heck, you should let her do a guest post. Can she type?
Josh, you're greatly amusing and help get me through my day at work. One question though, now that DFL knows you write about her, is she fine with being called DFL? I mean, what does she really think of that? I just can't wait until the DFL interview blog to know.
Your stories are well told, and extremely funny, but I'm also appalled.
Every time I read about 'the entertainment industry', it's always a variation on one story-- grown-up thick-skulled high school bully in a suit, victimizing, domineering, humiliating, defrauding, or otherwise fucking with some poor schmuck and his work.
Jesus.
Anyway, I hope you'll keep sharing this stuff with clueless civilians like me.
Every time I read about 'the entertainment industry', it's always a variation on one story-- grown-up thick-skulled high school bully in a suit, victimizing, domineering, humiliating, defrauding, or otherwise fucking with some poor schmuck and his work.
That's because it's a game that can only run on a combination of mercenaries and creative people. One for the drive, the other for the fuel.
Mercenaries are rarely creative and creatives find it hard to be mercenary.
So the mercenaries will always hold the power, because they're the ones who won't hesitate to shoot the baby if that's what it takes to maximize their reward.
The Crimson Ape is Bowen? That is such a perfect description. I'm writing him down on the phone sheet that way from now on.
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"Is she really a lesbian and if so, did you ever broach the subject with her of you know,..doing a three-way?"
While I have no idea if DFL is REALLY a lesbian, having never meet her, I can safely tell you, as a lesbian myself, THAT fantasy is just that... Fantasy. I know many lesbians and we ALL agree, your pathetic fantasy is just not going to happen.
WE don't care if you want to have sex with us, WE don't want to have sex with you. Hence the whole "lesbian" thing.
A woman who has sex with both men and women is BI-SEXUAL; not lesbian. Got it?
Frankly, most women who do "indulge" your fantasy are already your girlfriend/wife/lover/whatever, and they're either indulging you after much whining and pleading on your part or they are looking for a thrill you're not providing.
Consider this a PSA for those men who still don't "get" that women are people and not just the object of their fantasies...
I'll return the rest of you (and me) to the unadultered enjoyment of this mighty fine blog.
GAH! There's no edit function!
I once saw Marty Bowen gnawing on the arm of a human baby while wearing plaid Burberry trousers. Swear to god.
A nice read, Josh, very refreshing. Keep it up, dear boy.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jacky:
The reason she was called the Dumb Fucking Lesbian has to do with his first post about her.
She was negotiating a job for Josh when this she asked for too much money.
This happened (quoted from Josh's own words):
BUSINESS AFFAIRS: What kind of dumb fucking lesbian are you?
HANG UP.
MY AGENT: Shit.
After that point, he started referring to her in these posts as the DFL.
Oh but Security, you big boy you, I don't "love" you... ;)
amen @ writer gurl.
"lol...ever considered writing a comedy about a "struggling" writer and his amazng adventures win Hollywood?"
Swimming with Sharks
...Is it weird of me to just stare at my screen until the next post arrives? I may be enjoying your blog too much.
Bono,
Have you read my book yet?
Re-living your ascent from "my so-called Alta Vista life" into the Koepp-o-sphere is cruel and inhuman punishment... and so fucking hysterical. Please, deliver more pain.
And just so everyone is clear, you called the attic with shag carpeting... it was the best room in the house. And I want my velour sectional back!
- Neil McCormack
Marty Bowen. God, what a tool!
Ok, so maybe they didn't know what you look like, however I am not too sure, they might have done homework...although if I was planning that type of 'raid', I'd make sure to know faces, birthdates, kids names, vital details, NSA/CIA like intelligence dossier.
But it still smelt pure set-up. Seemed too clean, but then maybe the rare lightning does strike. Why would they be talking about you, just at that time, just at that right moment, right within earshot, about a pending matter no less? All with a close ping-pong scorecard of phone tag. A development executive and an Agent, could have 40 million things or people to talk about. Why you? Why exactly then? Why with that sort of proximity?
"Jerry", eh? Still as things go, quite mild. Daily row in the talent wars, if can't get the talent, get the agent - Hollywood Standard Operating Proceedure. But not working for 6 months, merely as you don't like your representation, is quite the luxury. But turned out all ok. Sharks are sharks, nature of the beast, but things change when they are YOUR sharks. :)
Christopher Coulter
Like i said, I was insane. Unfortunately I still am.
I was going to ask if the agent in 'Adaptation' was Crimson Ape. Then you went and ruined my only excuse for commenting here.
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